So, color me hypocrite.
I blow a lot of hot air about how I’m gonna kick life in the ass and go after some balls, or grow some balls, or Chopper–sick balls, yet…it seems to me all that’s happening here is a sad replay of any given day in eighth grade gym class: me whining like a little sissy girl and running like a cartoon character in every direction possible away from the ball.
Balls can be dangerous. Balls can hurt. Balls can hit you in the head, nose, tummy or left boob. Right?
Balls can deflate.
Balls can be delicate.
Balls can be…blue.
It’s time to man up and grow a pair. And not delicate, blue, deflatable ones.
I was thinking about how there are so many areas of my life that I want to take to a new, more organized, and successful place. I start making lists and thinking about all the things I need to do. The problem is, there are so many things I want and need to change, that once I start making those lists, I become desperately overwhelmed. I know that I need to prioritize and fix one small thing at a time, but impatience is a nasty bitch.
Let’s talk writing.
Slowly, over the last couple of years, I stopped putting essays up regularly. My reasoning was that I wanted to publish them traditionally. When I stopped putting essays up at a regular(ish) rate on Flibbertigibbet, my online social activities also came to a halt. That’s not to say I wouldn’t pop up here and there from time to time or have one of my essays syndicated somewhere, but let’s just say that my visibility was far less last year than it was in 2008. They don’t lie when they say if you stop writing, readers stop coming. Once upon a time I had a great readership, now when I post, I hear crickets. I have a butt-load of followers on Twitter, yet it’s an echo chamber. I’m not complaining, I did it to myself. It’s disheartening though. It’s literally like starting over. I just don’t think I can put the same amount of time into building an audience and online presence as I did four years ago. Sadly, I enjoyed what popularity I once had online. True, publishing “traditionally” has always been my end goal, but publishing online was also fulfilling in its own right. I was just so confused by what I should be doing as a writer.
I don’t know. Let’s be honest here. Maybe I just crave the instant gratification.
I hope that doesn’t make me a complete and total blowhard.
Also, it’s hard watching others who came up from behind soar to new heights as the blogging world has evolved. It’s equally difficult watching those who started at the same time I did land their first book deals. I’m so happy and proud for them, yet it makes me kick myself harder for not being…more. It’s hard not to compare, and that just feels icky.
Well, as far as the writing goes…I’m doing my best to slowly start breaking in some so-called balls. This time around I won’t put all my eggs in one basket. The online and offline efforts will equally complement each other.
Some writing updates…
- Deciding if I’m going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. Only have a week to decide. I’ve been wanting to do it for years…just seems like every single November for the past few years I’ve either had another work type event I was busy with or was traveling. It’s a lot of dedication for one month, especially with a baby on hand, but it might just be the push I need in terms of those “offline” efforts I talked about above.
- Online, hellogiggles.com posted a recent story I wrote for Flibbertigibbet: A Mother-Daughter Bond–The Richard Simmons Effect. It’s a fun little memoir piece, and I’m pretty proud that they picked it up.
- I continue to fiddle with some of my old stories as far as assembling them into a book. I’m still struggling with the process. I think it comes down to being bored with the old and wanting to work with new material. I’m having a hard time making the decision to either jump ship or forge ahead, which is keeping me from making any real progress in any direction. If I participate in NaNoWriMo, it will be with all new material, so that might give me a little perspective. I don’t know.
About kicking balls rather than running from them, and regarding all the aspects of my life I want to get in order, I’ve decided the first step I need to make is waking up in the morning. Waking up. Brushing my hair. Getting dressed. Putting on makeup. Going for a walk with the baby. And just get moving. If I can start with this first step, I think it will make the next step to being productive in other areas much easier. Doesn’t seem like much, and it’s a bit obvious, but it feels right. Waking up has been a struggle, and I’ve been fighting it.
Being bad ass always require that first little step. Being bad ass also requires being awake.